I was watching my husband play the piano on the platform, he is the band leader at our church currently. This is not a new experience for me; it has been a part of my life since I started dating Tim Clements, music is in his DNA and everywhere he goes it finds a place. And once again his knowledge, experience and ability are needed and once again it brings a foundation for other musicians of varying abilities and experiences to find their place on a church platform being a part of the whole, the team, which is always greater than the individual talent. I thought this part of our life was over, that he would now just play on occasion to fill a need but here he is again called into service because it is needed, because he is needed.
Tim was inclusive before there was such a word or movement. He always finds people who want to play or sing but have not before been invited in because of limitations but with Tim they find themselves welcome and wanted…these were my thoughts and for a few minutes before turning my heart back to worship I just let them wander down these roads thinking about this man I have lived all of my adult years beside and thinking how I never tire of seeing him walk into a situation that needs stabilizing, revitalizing or renewal and in his way make space for new life.
When we got in the car to go home, I turned to him and said I have something I want to say to you. We have a lot of important conversations in the car because we love a car ride and the time it allows for meaningful words. And I said to my (words of affirmation) husband all the words and thoughts that had come to mind that morning as I watched him play the piano. All the words that are especially meaningful when the person who knows you best and most says them to you. I saw that slow sexy smile start to spread across his face and I ended what I had to say with “I see you Tim Clements, I see you.”
Later that afternoon in our-at-home clothes, having snacks and watching the playoff games something happened in a play that evoked a comment filled with disgust on my part that made Tim laugh and then he had to defend the player that made the mistake. And in so doing told me a story about himself he had never told me. I know that is true because I would have remembered this story.
We have been married for 38 years, and together for 40 years. We have watched hours and hours of football and had 7 years of Friday night lights with our sons and in all that time he had never told me this story. I couldn’t believe it! Instantly some very significant things made sense, even some small things made sense. It was personal and attached to it a little pain, disappointment, and the longing for something wanted that could not be.
I thought about it for days after what had sparked his ability to share it in that moment. It’s not like the “Cheryl” (Remember the Titans) in me hadn’t reacted in this same way lots of times on the field and in our home sitting in our rockers watching football.
Was it because of his age and life perspective that he could now reveal it?
Was it because it no longer mattered in the way it may have once mattered?
Was it because he likes teaching me about football stuff so much that he was willing to share it now.
Or maybe had I with my words earlier in the day about how much I admire him and respect him combined with the things above created a safe enough space for him to share this story with me because it could not diminish all I think and feel for him. It cannot be coincidental that they occurred on the same day.
It was another precious gift given to deepen and strengthen a bond already unbreakable. These kinds of gifts must be honored and protected.
It reminded me again how important saying the words we need to say to our spouse is and how continuing to be the safest place in their lives to share when they are required to let go of dreams, when they have to share the disappointments and inadequacies, we all have and the outcome of those in the day to day living. We love to tell the stories from when we were the most beautiful, the most talented, the best at things or when we were so cool because they are filled with light and color, it is fun to relive them.
The moments that we experienced being less, feeling less are the hardest to talk about so they stay tucked away until all the right elements come together and then in an unexpected moment, they are provoked out of us.
I think the secret to long term marriage and relationships is the tender vulnerability with which we give and receive parts of ourselves that can be challenging to give. The investment begins when we say the things, we think out loud so the other person really knows all that we value about them and that those thoughts are the root of our true feelings for them and our commitment to them.
In a world full of harsh, critical, damaging words the best gift we can give on Valentine’s Day are words that build and strengthen the heart and souls of those we love.
